Wrestling with Shadows: Self-Doubt, Imposter Syndrome, and the Writer’s Journey

How Living with Cerebral Palsy Shapes—But Doesn’t Define—My Writing Process

Introduction

Self-doubt and impostor syndrome: two quiet shadows silently lurking behind every word of any aspiring writer. We often sit staring at a blank screen, cursor blinking its maddening laughter as we struggle to create, to do what we thought we were meant to do. Yet, for those of us living with the constant and visible differences and difficulties, these feelings can create an even deeper furrow. This not only changes our approach to writing, but skews our self-perceptions as well. My journey in writing has been illuminated—and obscured—by the shadows of self-doubt. Only through honest reflection have I been able to fully understand their effect on my creative process.

The Anatomy of Self-Doubt and Imposter Syndrome

Self-doubt is a simple concept at its core. It’s essentially the gnawing uncertainty about one’s value, skills, or accomplishments. Imposter syndrome, the sneaky cousin to self-doubt, is a deeply rooted belief that any success achieved will be the proverbial one-hit wonder. You feel you’re wearing a mask, a disguise that paints you as something you’re not. Imposter syndrome leaves you in constant fear of being exposed as incompetent. These feelings of doubt are not limited to the novice writer. Even seasoned creators, decorated authors, and award-winners have spoken openly about their critics, both internal and otherwise. One of my favorite quotes about self-doubt comes from Stephen King’s “On Writing.” “Writing fiction, especially a long work of fiction, can be a difficult, lonely job; it’s like like crossing the Atlantic Ocean in a bathtub. There’s plenty of room for self-doubt.” Though that quote is specific to writing fiction, I feel it can apply to creating anything new. We, as creatives, are predisposed to doubt our skill and the impact we could have at some point. I know I feel it every day as a writer.

For writers, the struggle with self-doubt and imposter syndrome is constant. Each blank page is a silent challenge. It makes you ask, “Will I risk exposing my inadequacy today?” Each project you finish is shared with the fear that you’ve fooled your reader, or perhaps yourself, into thinking it’s worth a read. Crafting stories, essays, blog posts, or any combination of these things becomes an act of resilience, an act of defiance against the doubts. Each published word is a bargain, a silent negotiation with your inner critic that you must win to succeed.

Cerebral Palsy, Perception, and the Burden of Expectation

I don’t like to talk about it in writing because it doesn’t define me as a person or as a writer, but living with cerebral palsy has played a part in shaping my experiences with self-doubt. Cerebral palsy, in a broad sense, is a condition that can affect movement, coordination, and sometimes cognition. The world is often too quick to assume what a person with cerebral palsy can or cannot do. For me, a quick observation often leads to assumptions regarding my limitations on the part of people I meet. This leads to—or has in the past—self-imposed pressure to debunk those assumptions. This happens from both a physical and cognitive standpoint. I don’t pay attention to it anymore, but I know some people I’ve met, through no real fault of their own of course, have taken unnecessary precautions so as not to upset or offend me. Once they get to know me, however, they see such things are not part of my story.

The fact I’ve been fortunate in life is not lost on me. While my body moves differently—sometimes comically so, I will admit—I could sidestep the cognitive hurdles that many associate with the condition. I was lost for too many years, but now that I’ve found myself and found my voice, I believe it is my duty to use the abilities I’ve been given to share my knowledge and thoughts with the world. This realization did not come without some of its own hurdles, however. 

I started my first blog in November 2017, inspired by a thought that my girlfriend at the time shared with me, saying that I didn’t let my condition define me. I found out the hard way, however, that I was doing it all wrong. Short. Infrequent posts, plastering affiliate links all over the place, things I covered in more detail in my Mistakes I Made in My Blogging Journey post, which I will link here if you want to check it out. Not knowing these things, however, I doubted myself. That doubt led to negative thoughts stemming from the expectations I set for myself going into it. When those expectations didn’t come to fruition, I attributed it to my condition. I was sure that nobody wanted to know what I had to say because of it. When I got compliments on my writing, I told myself it was because the people who did felt like it was the right thing to do. I felt like what they wanted to say but didn’t was, “You’re writing is pretty good considering” or “You’re an inspiration for being brave enough to share your writing.” The latter is more of a compliment, but it’s hard to respect my skill, either with blogging or prose, and have confidence in the validity of my voice and message. 

 The Unique Faces of Imposter Syndrome

For writers with disabilities, self-doubt and imposter syndrome comes in many forms, wearing many masks. I’ve always had a habit of minimizing my achievements. If I achieved something that I felt others could do easily—dare I say more easily than me—I would be offended, sometimes to an extreme. If someone congratulated me or otherwise praised an achievement of mine that I felt anyone could do, I would dismiss it as a token of sympathy. There was always the fear that because I don’t fit the mold of what might be considered a “typical writer,” my work would not be judged on equal footing. 

I remember in school when essay contests would come around. My parents and teachers alike would insist that I should write something and submit it. There were two problems with that version of me, however. Not only did I not have a full understanding of what I wanted to do with my life but I had the same doubt in myself that defined the beginning of my blogging journey. The more I think and write about it, the more I realize that this doubt defined my school career as well. I struggled not because I didn’t know the material but because I didn’t turn in the work. I hate to use this as an excuse because it’s only speculation, but I think a lot of it was doubting myself. I even had that problem with tests, and I was an excellent test taker. As an adult, I’ve thought about college off and on. I used to rationalize not going to college by saying I didn’t want to be influenced by different ideologies. In reality, I’ve been out of school for so long, my self-doubt makes me think that it’s been too long, that my brain could not catch up. Further, would I be recognized for my accomplishments on their own merits, or for simply showing up. Whether it was writing or school, that was a question I was not prepared to find the answer to at the time, and it cost me what I believe to be years of personal and professional development. Though it would take me longer than I would have liked, it was quite helpful when I understood what imposter syndrome is and its effects. I feel much more confident now in sharing my stories, and I can only hope that continues..

How Self-Doubt and Imposter Syndrome Affect the Writing Process 

The effects of self-doubt and imposter syndrome can vary just as much as the styles and personalities of the writers affected. When you break it down, however, there are certain patterns that are hard to miss:

Perfectionism: We set an unattainable standard. Every word of every sentence must be perfect. The fear of making others’ low expectations a reality has always made starting a project—and finishing it, for that matter—-very difficult for me. One of my favorite ways to beat perfectionism is to remember a quote from the late great Vince Lombardi. He once said, “Perfection is unattainable, but if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence.” Finish the project, then you can worry about perfecting it.

Procrastination: With self-doubt and imposter syndrome, avoidance is the most common defense mechanism. You can’t fail if you don’t write. You can’t be rejected or ridiculed if you don’t submit. This leads to many unfinished drafts that you may never know what would have come of them,

Reluctance to Share: This was more of a problem for me in the beginning than procrastination, but one sometimes led to the other. Anytime I would finish a piece and think about submitting it either to this blog or elsewhere, the creeping shadowy voice of self-doubt would whisper, “Who wants to hear this?” This has often left me sweating over the “Publish” button like in one of those memes you see online. Though most people who have read my content either didn’t know about my condition beforehand or simply didn’t care, I remained convinced people would see my stories as a reflection of my diagnosis and my struggle rather than my talent. 

Difficulty Accepting Success: When praise comes—and it often has during my journey—it feels unearned. Any recognition I receive leaves me feeling guilty or suspicious. Any time someone gives me positive feedback, I’ve found it difficult to fully accept it, always looking for the “but,” waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.

For me, these patterns have often led to long periods of silence, often weeks or even months between posts on my blog. Files upon files of abandoned projects taunt me as the half-finished ideas and false starts gather digital dust. The foolish belief that my voice was inherently inferior because of my physical shortcomings made every attempt at expression an act of raw vulnerability. 

Breaking the Cycle: A Path Toward Authentic Confidence

Over time, I have learned that the only way to silence the voices of self-doubt and imposter syndrome is to write through them, a concept so incredibly simple that it works. I have discovered that everyone, even the best writers and creators in the world, experience self-doubt. It is not a sign of weakness, but a natural part of the process. Imposter syndrome, while it may never completely fade, becomes less prevalent each time I share something. 

Here are some strategies that have helped me—and may help you—when the shadows of self-doubt and imposter syndrome threaten to overtake your light: 

Reframe the Narrative: My experience with cerebral palsy is not a liability, but a unique perspective. When I was fighting my battles with self-doubt and imposter syndrome, I had a thought in the back of my mind that my love for the written word and the ability to use it effectively was given to me for a reason. I believe everyone has a purpose, and this is mine. My unique circumstances add to the depth of my storytelling, and my journey is not defined by what I “overcome,” but by what I observe and convey.

Connect with Community: Other writers, particularly those who have felt marginalized or underestimated are invaluable sounding boards. I’ve read a couple of books written by people who have traveled a similar path to me. When I read “My Left Foot” by Christy Brown, I learned that with the right amount of determination, no amount of adversity can stand in the way of a goal. I also read a book called "Why Do You Walk That Way" by Amy Cole. I identified with Amy's struggle from the very beginning. She talked about the questions she would get, chief among them the one that inspired the title. I got those questions too, and sometimes it was hard to answer them without dipping my voice in cynicism and annoyance. Amy's story of how she pursued her dream and became a teacher as well as a writer. In her book, Amy mentions her husband Sean and how he has supported her in so many ways. I'll leave a link to the book, as well as Christy Brown's "My Left Foot" in case you'd like to read them for more information. 

Celebrate Small Victories: Every finished piece, every published post, is proof against self-doubt and imposter syndrome. Sometimes simply writing one more sentence or sharing one more story is enough.

Accept that Vulnerability is Strength: Writing, especially about one’s own challenges, is an act of bravery in itself. The more I acknowledge that truth and lean into it, the less weight I give to the voices that would otherwise silence me.

Conclusion: Claiming the Writer’s Identity

To write—or to create—is to risk. For those of us living with any differences that set us apart, risk often comes with an extra layer of scrutiny, both from within and without. But I’ve concluded that every writer or creative soul, no matter their circumstances, must face the pressure and anxiety of self-doubt and imposter syndrome. Every writer goes through it, no matter how established you may be or where you come from. The challenge is not to eliminate these emotions, but to push through and create despite them. Doing so proves to others, and more importantly, ourselves, that we are passionate and care about our craft.

My story, shaped by cerebral palsy but not defined by it, is still in production. Each new piece is a rung on the ladder. Each published post tells others as well as myself, “I belong here. My words mean something.” If you’ve ever wrestled with doubts, whether they be about your body, your mind, or your right to tell your stories, know this: your voice matters. Write bravely, write authentically, and let your words shine despite the shadows.